I Remember You

I remember the first day I prayed for you.  It was an ordinary day but I was suddenly awakened to the reality that one day you would in fact, be.  And so I fell to my knees both smiling and weeping as I offered my first words to the Father for you.
I remember the day I learned that you were nestled inside of me, the day my womb was opened to be your home, the day my heart was opened to be your mother. 
I remember the day we learned you were a girl.  I pulled your daddy into a broom closet at the doctor’s office as we left the ultrasound room and cried. I thought your daddy wanted a boy.  He smiled at me tenderly wiping my tears and then proclaimed the secret truth behind his giddy smile, “Sweets, do you know what this means? I get to have a daddy’s little girl!”
I remember the day the Lord whispered your name to me.  It was an answer to the sweet phrase God had spoken to me weeks before when I heard, “Child of Worship.”  Like a note arriving in the mail, this verse lept from the page “Anna the prophetess waited in the temple day and night, worshipping God…” Luke 2:36-37.  It was a clear match and so you became, our Anna.
I remember your kicks, your rolls and your hiccups.  I remember daydreaming about your soccer games and ballet recitals.  I remember daydreaming about nursing you, comforting you and telling you all about Jesus.
I remember the last time I saw you alive.  It was a lazy afternoon at the Pregnancy Center and nurse Kay invited me to what became my last visit with you.  You were sleeping and then you opened your eyes and I gasped.  I felt like we were staring right into each other’s eyes and souls.  I traced your sweet frame on the monitor with my finger…I whispered  all my love to you.
I remember the pain and the fear of the moment we learned you had slipped away, just three weeks before forever was supposed to begin. I remember and it takes my breath away.  Even now as I write I feel afraid.
I remember Jeannie rushing in at the last moment to deliver you.  I remember the tears streaming down her face.  I remember her words when you arrived, “She’s beautiful.” And you were Anna Rose.
I remember the moment they placed you in my arms for what has become the most exhilarating and excruciating moment of my life.  Meeting you and losing you all at once…there are no words.
I remember the look in your daddy’s eyes when you captivated him.  I remember the smile he wore the entirety of your birthday- the one I haven’t seen him wear since.  You awakened the daddy in Him- you awakened a new kind of love and pride in him.
I remember the way your lips felt against mine.  I remember your cold little nose and your monkey brown hair.  I remember every facet of your sweet feminine body- all five and a half pounds and every one of your 20 inches.
I remember every soul that bent down to kiss you hello and good-bye.  I remember Uncle David gently applying his chap-stick to your crimson mouth and I remember Aunt Tris singing to you.  I remember the pain and the love each one of your grandparents showered on you.
I remember the moment you left my arms.  I remember sweet nurse Alice walking away.  I also remember her coming back one last time with a remnant from you…your “coming home outfit.” I remember her gently telling us that she had placed you in a soft white gown to sleep for the night…
I remember every moment of hating God for taking you from me and I remember every moment that His supernatural presence and incomprehensible, perfect love rescued me.
I remember the day that peace became greater than pain and the day when Jesus became the hero and not the villain.  I remember the day He whispered to me about the ways in which he would make beauty for ashes and the ways in which he would turn evil for good.
I remember the first day I began writing our story and I remember the last.
I remember the day nine months ago when I sang your lullabies to Pop on his death bed.  I remember thanking him for giving me a lifetime of Jesus.  I remember asking him to shower you with my love. I remember asking Him to tell you everything.  I remember wondering if he could even hear me anymore.   I remember how he raised his weak hand to my cheek and cupped my sopping wet face as if to say…”you can count on me and I love you too.”
I remember you sweet girl- every day of my life I remember you.  Every truth and promise and every dream and vision are on the mantel of my heart and I cannot wait to scoop you up into my arms for the hug I have dreamed of all my life.
I am so glad it was you…the one who made me a mama and gave me Jesus.
Anna Rose Katherine, everyday of our lives, we remember you and cannot wait to see as you see.
All our love forever baby girl,
~mama

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    Can barely read your post thru my tears. Crying for you, and to be honest, for myself. I know this pain all too well, & you write it so beautifully. Thank you for sharing, Jenni

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