Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

It happened this morning as I stared at the tree, Anna’s pink ornaments peeking out from behind twinkling lights, glowing, inviting me into love and longing.  I was also thinking of the babies, new to heaven, their parents, new to grief and my heart got swept away in the familiar grief current.  He must have read my mind- seen the ache, my Anna look and Benny said-
“Don’t worry mommy. Anna is the first one in our family that gets to be with Jesus and that’s amazing!”
I stared at Him…long and hard.  The child becoming the teacher and I felt my weak heart surging suddenly with truth.
“Yes Benny- it’s amazing.”
His words entered my pain, diffusing the ache and inviting me to join Him in the truest reality. [Read more...]

Thanksgiving When It Hurts

Still birth, miscarriage after years of infertility, the early delivery and then loss of triplets.  These are the emails I received this week of Thanksgiving.  My heart is shattered.  Who can put me back together again?
Then there were the phone calls of desperation, of broken marriages and broken dreams, suffocating pain and lingering ghosts.  So many hearts overloaded with sorrow.  So many lives severed by the little deaths we suffer as citizens of earth.
And I feel it all so thoroughly and deeply. Yes, I am shattered.  Who can put me back together again? [Read more...]

Remembering You Once Again


I love this word, this name, this baby.

This week has been a hard one.  I have felt lonely for her.  I have felt desperate for the past to be rewritten, and yet, so very grateful for every word that has flowed from His beautiful nail scarred hand. Words like eternity and resurrection.  Words like John, Ben and Elijah.  Words like comfort and Jesus.
It is so strange to be so filled with so much pain and so much joy all at once.  For me, the pain often precedes and intensifies the joy. My grief throws lifelines to all that is good, all that needs to be rescued as joy, so as to not drown in the waters of sorrow and strife.  Here is an example of that- [Read more...]

Just Give Me Jesus!

When I hush the world, all of the sorrow and screaming scenes-

When I grow still within and shush myself, the fretting and the feeling-
When I push pause on everything around me, silence falls like a blanket and Just Give Me Jesus is all that I hear.
As I push play and resume living in myself, my home, my world, this is what I must clutch
Just give Me Jesus. [Read more...]

Grief Like Gold

February…here I am once again.  This month laced with hearts and lavished in love, this month of Anna’s birth.  These are the days eight years ago that made time stand still, forever changing my life.  Does the mess of who I am these days have the energy to write it all out?  Will I be able to wade through grief to reach the words that will express the reality of my life without her but filled with Him?
I must. I must share of the wondrous things He has done for me.  And so to that end, I can’t write it any other way but raw…
I clutched ashes this week.  [Read more...]

A Better Day

A better day is coming.
This is the whisper that came to me this morning- the one that interrupted my weeping moment-the one that supernaturally invited me to hope.  His voice can do that.  Slice through layer upon layer of hurt, humanness and opaque pain to ignite flames of hope and love in the darkest of places.
Christmas is approaching and it’s cold.  All is glitter. The air is ripe with cinnamon, windows are awake with candlelight and store fronts are drenched in magic, but it’s cold.
One friend just suffered her third miscarriage.  My knees hit the ground. [Read more...]

I Remember You

I remember the first day I prayed for you.  It was an ordinary day but I was suddenly awakened to the reality that one day you would in fact, be.  And so I fell to my knees both smiling and weeping as I offered my first words to the Father for you.
I remember the day I learned that you were nestled inside of me, the day my womb was opened to be your home, the day my heart was opened to be your mother.  [Read more...]

We Love You Anna!

Today we cry…today we celebrate.

Thanks to all who have joined with us in remembering and loving our sweet girl.  Here is a sneak peek at our celebration of Anna!


    We love you baby girl.  Happy Birthday!  We are counting down the days to forever with you!

We Love You Anna!

Today we cry…today we celebrate.

Thanks to all who have joined with us in remembering and loving our sweet girl.  Here is a sneak peek at our celebration of Anna!


We love you baby girl.  Happy Birthday!  We are counting down the days to forever with you!

Power Made Perfect

All is liquid- I sigh.
I reach, I grasp.  There is nothing to hold.  All is liquid. 
I want to hold her- I surrender. 
I want to take hold of a solution- I surrender once more.
I want to hold the parts that still hurt and throw them away, never to be seen again- the scary parts and the raw wanting.  Like a tumor, I want to see it, to extract it, to be set free from…earthly sorrow.
But all is liquid.  There is nothing to hold.  The tears come.  The flood waters rise.  I am lost in an ocean of liquid sorrow. I feel…small, harassed, unable.
I fall again for the millionth time into my bed overcome by the sloshing sadness. I utter something immature and weak and helpless. Something I judge. Something that certainly should not come from seven-year-old grief.  Have I not tamed you by now?     
I see the universe sprawled out in front of me, atmosphere like ocean waves.  I am tossed aimlessly it seems in the dark abyss.  A word rises from somewhere deep within- “buoyant.”  What is buoyant?
Spiraling, grasping, flailing- black waves coming and going.  I am frightened.
It comes again, “buoyant.” And then it all changes- the scene before me, within me.
I stop grasping for something to hold.  I stop flailing for a place to stand.  I stop harassing the child within and I begin…to float, to bounce.  All is liquid and I am, buoyant.
Rise, crest, crash-
under I go, disappearing for a moment.  And then…buoyant.
All is Liquid.

He reaches- He grasps-  
There is someone to hold- I surrender.
There is a solution- I surrender once more.
I am afloat in an ocean of liquid sorrow.  I am held by invisible arms in the flood waters that rise.
In letting go, I am found.  In giving up, I am held.  
All is liquid-
I float in February waters-
There is a promise, a solution to this grief problem.  It resonates from the holy book, from the holy indwelling, from the holy host. It echoes through history and from the balconies of heaven and from the inner most sanctuary:

“My power is made perfect in weakness.”
The words echo from when my sister spoke them two weeks ago and I just brushed them away- familiar manna…boring manna.  And so it drifted away- diamonds disguised as chaff in the wind.
Now these very words, this promise comes again and it hushes my self-judgment.  I rediscover weakness for what it really is- an invitation to the powerful presence of my Almighty Father.

A wave rises…I ache for my daughter. I go under. Then the thought comes- I am His daughter!  I emerge…I float.  A tiny me, crying, cradled by invisible arms in water strong.  One by one the words roll by, roll through, in each wave. They now come gently, rhythmically rocking me back and forth- words of promise that translate to a “hush, hush, hush” and I am calm. I float…
I am tumbled upon. I am thrashed about. I am taken under. I am buoyant.
All is liquid- I sigh.