Giving, Grief and Grace Anew

This month hasn’t gone at all like I thought It would. I didn’t foresee February any other way than Giving and Grieving. But Chris got sick and was out of commission for a week. The next week he flew to Columbia and got snowed in. I had anticipated lots of writing and reporting, but I was lucky just to get through each day with all three children and myself intact.

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February Once Again

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February. I can hardly believe my Anna would be nine this month. Nine. Nine years since I held her in my arms. Nine years since I kissed her sweet face and sang to her one last time. Nine years since we let go.

Even now, February makes me nervous, as if something awful is getting ready to happen. This is the dread that comes with anniversary loss. It is the unstoppable fear in  [Read more...]

Remembering You Once Again


I love this word, this name, this baby.

This week has been a hard one.  I have felt lonely for her.  I have felt desperate for the past to be rewritten, and yet, so very grateful for every word that has flowed from His beautiful nail scarred hand. Words like eternity and resurrection.  Words like John, Ben and Elijah.  Words like comfort and Jesus.
It is so strange to be so filled with so much pain and so much joy all at once.  For me, the pain often precedes and intensifies the joy. My grief throws lifelines to all that is good, all that needs to be rescued as joy, so as to not drown in the waters of sorrow and strife.  Here is an example of that- [Read more...]

Celebrating Anna

A few weeks ago so many of you prayed, comforted and loved our family during the eighth anniversary of Anna.  We celebrated and grieved her life, we exalted hope and we glorified Jesus as we sat in puddles at His feet, once again, immersed in divine love.

We explained to our three boys…are hearts are like these balloons, often deflated, and then, the breath of Jesus comes and we are full, emerging and rising higher and higher with hope, until one day, we will be laughing in His presence too.
I love our story…I love the nail scarred hands that wipe the tears, the peace that conquers pain, and the truth which always wrestles down deceit, commanding the enemy to flee. I love the hero of our story and I love that we the characters are called to simply abide in the shadow of His wings…the shadow of the Almighty.  This mama is desperate to toss out a few million ounces of the love and compassion I’ve received within the shadow- this place weeping, this haven of grace and regeneration. I pray that as I continue to share the mess of me and the might and mercy of God, that others in grief may be intrigued to join me in His shadow as well. [Read more...]


Eight years ago today, my arms were full of beauty. My arms were full of the marvelous and wonderful gift of creation.  My arms were full of this little feminine package that looked like me. My arms were full of death.  I cannot express this feeling adequately- our joy for beholding her,  and yet our anguish for the stillness, the coldness, the inevitable letting go that loomed over us like lightning, ready to crack and sever our souls.
As I seek to remember, I am flooded with faces, expressions, conversations, moments, and it all feels so contradictory, this life of pain matched up against this life of blessing. Over the past few weeks of my anniversary grief, I have been seeking to be a good steward of the soul God has given me- a servant of the pain and a servant of the praise that beckons to be lifted from this grateful heart.  It’s strange to be so full of both, these hot and cold currents, each reminding me of the good Father who is perfectly loving and sovereign in both.
As I ponder what was and what is on this, Anna’s eighth birthday, I find myself growing deeper in this rich grief soil. I’d love to share it with you, this message I am seeking to live, but for any of it to make sense, I must first tell you a story. [Read more...]

Grief Like Gold

February…here I am once again.  This month laced with hearts and lavished in love, this month of Anna’s birth.  These are the days eight years ago that made time stand still, forever changing my life.  Does the mess of who I am these days have the energy to write it all out?  Will I be able to wade through grief to reach the words that will express the reality of my life without her but filled with Him?
I must. I must share of the wondrous things He has done for me.  And so to that end, I can’t write it any other way but raw…
I clutched ashes this week.  [Read more...]

I Remember You

I remember the first day I prayed for you.  It was an ordinary day but I was suddenly awakened to the reality that one day you would in fact, be.  And so I fell to my knees both smiling and weeping as I offered my first words to the Father for you.
I remember the day I learned that you were nestled inside of me, the day my womb was opened to be your home, the day my heart was opened to be your mother.  [Read more...]

We Love You Anna!

Today we cry…today we celebrate.

Thanks to all who have joined with us in remembering and loving our sweet girl.  Here is a sneak peek at our celebration of Anna!


We love you baby girl.  Happy Birthday!  We are counting down the days to forever with you!

There is a Wound

Time heals all wounds?
I am still very aware of my wound.  Seven years.  Lots of therapy.  Lots of Jesus.  There is still a wound.  I have learned how to care for it.  It is smaller than it once was.  It is not a scar.  It is a wound- it oozes.
I miss Anna.  I ache for Anna.  Her sweet face burns my heart and mind and I ache for her.  I know where she is- there is hope!  I know who she is with- there is joy!  I am enraptured by the truths of her vitality, her completeness, her value and purpose.  There is joy.  There is hope.  There is a wound. [Read more...]

All in a name

“Mama, I just know I’m gonna get what I really want for Christmas,” said John, smile to match his hope and longing.  I stared into the rear view mirror at him as he now turned to face the window using the blank canvas of the sky to imagine the secret scene, his smile growing.  “Please tell me” I said.  “Nope- I can’t.  Besides you can’t give it to me.” was his reply.   I was starting to feel nervous.   What was this mystery gift John longed for that I couldn’t provide?  “Oh,” I said.  “Is Santa going to bring it to you?”  “Nope- not Santa, not you, not daddy!”  Now we were parked in the driveway and I turned around in my seat to face him- John was making his way up to me.  “Well John, what in the world is it and who is going to give it to you?” [Read more...]