Remembering You Once Again

Anna…

I love this word, this name, this baby.

This week has been a hard one.  I have felt lonely for her.  I have felt desperate for the past to be rewritten, and yet, so very grateful for every word that has flowed from His beautiful nail scarred hand. Words like eternity and resurrection.  Words like John, Ben and Elijah.  Words like comfort and Jesus.
It is so strange to be so filled with so much pain and so much joy all at once.  For me, the pain often precedes and intensifies the joy. My grief throws lifelines to all that is good, all that needs to be rescued as joy, so as to not drown in the waters of sorrow and strife.  Here is an example of that-
A few nights ago as I was working on a letter of remembrance for Anna to be posted today on TakeThemAMeal, I was overcome by sadness.  My Johnny came to me, hugged me tight and said, “Mama I’m praying for you.”  He started to walk away and then I grabbed him and pulled him back into my arms…clutching the life, the good. Out of desperation, grief threw a lifeline and joy was rescued.  And so I have learned to hold them together, death and life, joy and pain.
Today as I remember my Anna, I also remember all of the other little ones that have left their mama’s wombs or arms way before their dreams for them began.  I remember and I am reduced.  I remember and I am sad.
Recently I had a conversation with a friend who was suddenly awakened to the fact that her grief and longing for her miscarried baby was still very much a part of her.  The tears fell and I wanted to extract her pain-wanted to make it all right again- wanted to somehow redeem her situation. I wanted to validate her unique love and longing for her 12-week-old heavenly baby.  I wanted to validate her sadness.  I wanted to remind her that though her baby was only 12 weeks into his/her development, that her baby’s spirit was fully formed- complete.  I wanted to reveal to her the invisible thread connecting her spirit to that spirit…still.  I wanted to give her my hope of what I believe about our children and to give her my glimpses of heaven.
To those of you reading that know the pain of the loss of a baby…I am so sorry.  I am so sorry we sit in this waiting room of earth together, waiting for all that was lost to be redeemed.  And yet, sisters we are waiting.  There is someone to wait for.  All is not lost. Our babies, they are not ideas.  They are not what once was.  They are what will be.  And today I pray your pain is eased by the expectancy of this reality.  The God I have come to know in my grief is a lover of redemption and I know the plans he has to restore my pain and my relationship with Anna far exceed my wildest dreams.
Nine years ago I painted and hung three scriptures in Anna’s nursery.  Chris chose one of them…it now hangs in our school room as a reminder of the chief promise that we hang onto as we continue our life’s journey, continue walking through seasons of love and loss.
This is our banner-
“May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust and believe in Him so that your hearts may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13
Today in this national day of remembering the little ones we have lost, I pray this scripture, this prayer, over each soul who reads my words.  I pray you are filled with joy and peace admidst immeasurable grief.  I pray you are upheld by the author of true love and the restorer of all that is lost and I pray your hearts are embedded and overwhelmed by hope.
I am holding each of you in my heart today.
And lastly…My dear Anna-
your mama loves you, loves you, loves you.

 

Comments

  1. Michelle G. says

    The same year you lost Anna, I lost my sons. 3 little boys, triplets, born at 22 weeks on December 29th, 2005. We are also approaching our 8th anniversary of losing them. We now have twin daughters who are 5. We’ve never told them about their brothers. What advice could you share about when/how to reveal this to them? Your blog is beautiful. Everything you write resonates with me. Thank you for granting me the grace to grieve, even after 8 years have passed.

  2. says

    Oh Michelle, Thank you for posting. My heart breaks for your losses…three sons. One of my very best friends lost her twin boys at 21 weeks, 6 years ago and I have walked with her in her grief. As for sharing this with your girls, we have found such healing and joy in teaching our boys about their sister. It has been a beautiful avenue to introduce them to the reality of heaven, of hope, of Jesus. We celebrate with birthday books every year in her honor and balloons that we release (pictures on my blog). It also allows us to teach them that though in life we deal with difficult things, that God can bring beauty for ashes and blessing from tragedy. Blessings to you friend.

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