It happened this morning as I stared at the tree, Anna’s pink ornaments peeking out from behind twinkling lights, glowing, inviting me into love and longing. I was also thinking of the babies, new to heaven, their parents, new to grief and my heart got swept away in the familiar grief current. He must have read my mind- seen the ache, my Anna look and Benny said-
“Don’t worry mommy. Anna is the first one in our family that gets to be with Jesus and that’s amazing!”
I stared at Him…long and hard. The child becoming the teacher and I felt my weak heart surging suddenly with truth.
“Yes Benny- it’s amazing.”
His words entered my pain, diffusing the ache and inviting me to join Him in the truest reality.
It’s been nearly a decade since Anna Rose made me a mother. Nearly a decade of pregnancy. Nine months of carrying her in my womb and now, nine years of carrying her in my heart. And in that regard, I suppose I will be pregnant with her forever.
We are in a season of advent, a season of longing for the coming Messiah. A season of intentional expectancy for Him. This feeling, this experience of longing for a baby…I know it full well.
And so today I am making the choice to funnel all of my longing, all of my desperation for a baby, and for that matter all of my longings in life into a longing for Jesus. Isn’t that what all of our longing is really begging for anyway? Isn’t all of our longing really just a soul cry for that which are hearts were created to be satisfied by- a desperation for the fullness we can only encounter on bended knee at the stable, at the cross, at the threshold of heaven?
So Ben is right- though my grief is expected and even necessary especially at times like these, I certainly don’t have to worry. Anna is the first one in our family to get to be with Jesus. There are so many days when the reality of her absence forces me into a ball, into a corner, into the dark. But today, under the twinkling lights of Christmas, and the sweet prompting from my second boy, my gooey middle…I am reminded of the deepest longing I have. The one I can’t even fully get in touch with, the longing that usurps all other longings. And that is for you Jesus…
Fill my heart with expectation and celebration for you this season- wonderful baby, Savior, Shepherd, Father and King.
Yes…come thou long expected Jesus.