Remembering Anna…

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Today is our Anna’s birthday. 4 years old… Anna is four. I refuse to say, would have been 4. For four years she has been alive, wrapped in heaven, dwelling with Jesus. Being able to create her and cradle her, even for the short time that it was has been the greatest privilege of my life. She made me a mother. She opened that room in my heart. She enabled me to fall in love with her father in unimaginable ways, to learn to trust and to need him. She has opened my eyes to a God I always hoped for but never believed in truly…a God of measureless and unfathomable love…the great magician of beauty for ashes. On her fourth birthday I want to share a little about grief, hope and love.

I’ll be honest, I thought it was over…the sadness, the pain of it. I was wrong. I assumed that the step of accepting her death would eradicate the sting of loss. There has been terrific resolve into a whole lot of arguing with the God who allowed this tragic ending. After a great deal of battle I watched my soul finally surrender itself to the Jesus of perfect love. I found that the experience of being loved completely by God is the only answer I will ever need this side of eternity as to “why.” I finally came to know my savior as my savior. So I thought, surely it won’t hurt so bad as February dawns upon us again. Not so….I was washed over with the all too familiar wave of grief. From the moment I turned the page on the calendar to what is supposedly the shortest month of the year (seriously?) I have been fighting the accumulating sadness.

The 22nd melted me through and through. It was the day we learned Anna went to be with the Lord. The 23rd was a little lighter. I had scheduled a little celebration in her honor, a “heaven on earth party” that gave me a reason to buy pink, eat chocolate and to say her name again and again and again. We opened gifts, books for the boys in Anna’s honor, some about love, some about Jesus. And then we watched 25 pink balloons fly into the sky, the symbol of our love lifted to her…the symbolic gesture of letting go. Three blue balloons were released as well…2 for Jacob and Caden…. Alicia, don’t we wish we could read about their adventures together. And one balloon for baby Samuel, a friend of the Ramsey’s. John created a perfect drawing for his big sister. He drew a vertical yellow line across the page which he reported was a beanstalk so Anna could be on the other side. He asked me to write something on his artwork…It reads, according to John John, “We love you Anna, We praise your Lord.” Appropriately, the giant was a big brown blob he called God who said in a much lower but happy voice, “praise the Lord Anna, praise the Lord.”

This morning John walked up to me buck naked with one of Anna’s pink birthday bows on his tummy and said, “open me mommy.” To which I thought…everyday John. Everyday you are a gift from Anna and her heavenly father to us!

And then today…

Today is the bitter sweet day we met our daughter 4 years ago. Three grueling days after we learned she had left us, we met her. And for eleven hours we embraced her.
As I looked through 11 rolls of film a couple of days ago I was reminded about the man I married and about the day he met her. The love and pride he felt for being her dad was so strong, it cut through the pain of death and allowed joy to be fixed to his face simply because she was his and she was beautiful. She made him a daddy, it’s that simple. I was also reminded of the love and faithfulness of each of you who waited in the waiting room and took turns coming to meet and kiss our Anna. Thank you for loving us and her still. To our families… an enormous thank you and our prayers to you as well as you continue to grieve and miss your grandaughter and neice. To our new friends in grief….I am so blessed that God has given me friends in Virginia that love Anna, whom they have never met, so much. What a gift our entire family of friends has been.

I have decided to write myself a letter to be opened on February 1, 2010, the month of Anna’s 5th birthday. In this letter I will remind myself that sadness and grief is not a backwards step, but a move forward in continuing life and love as a mother. I will try not to be so scared of the wave. The cross of Christ will forever be a sad reality. Of course the joy of salvation and the result of his willingness to die is the greatest news any of us could ever hear and adopt…but the cross…the pain…it’s just so sad. And so I will remind myself that God doesn’t expect for us to react to death and loss as if it weren’t sad…it just is. But truth, the power of the Holy Spirit to deliver peace and perspective and the hope of eternity can win our hearts into a new way of feeling. “Sorrow will last for a night but joy comes in the morning.”

My calendar may be a little different than yours. For me the day after Anna’s birthday feels like New Year’s Day. It is a day to start fresh, a day to live right, to be the mother, wife and person I want to be… that God created me to be. February 25th is a day where I ponder death and sadness and the therefore the triumphs of heaven. As this day comes to a close I am preparing to turn the page. I am ready to live…. With that sentence proclaimed, I can almost see and faintly hear the clapping and cheering of a 4 year old girl hoisted upon the shoulders of Jesus within my “great cloud of witnesses.”

And if I could extend a word or 2 to that lovely little girl, I would say… Thank you baby girl.

Anna gave me depth and she gave me Jesus, the awareness of his perfect and permanent presence in my life. Her death was followed by the gifts of two little brothers for whom I feel so blessed and grateful to nurture. Anna gave me the experience of sharing suffering with her father which may sound strange, but has been one of the most powerful and beautiful experiences of my life. Grieving and loving Anna has pushed me to want to overcome and to be a mother she can be so proud of…a woman who refuses to believe that crisis has a hold on me, but to endure and to persevere in the face of defeat.
She has given me a sense of life…a sense of calling and purpose. Her death placed within my grasp a cup of grief that I may drink with other sufferers. I have sipped from the bitter cup now countless times with friends and family who have lost and therefore feel lost.

Anna has given me eyes and eagerness for heaven. I can now so easily envision the beauty of paradise and the promises and privileges therein. Picturing Jesus with my daughter has reminded me to picture Jesus, the physicality of the risen messiah, present in my own life. Can you imagine with me for a moment the thought of the smiling eyes and the laughter of God as you simply exist. When I sip my coffee in the morning and watch my kids glued to the TV as I seek to “wake up” I am enamored with them, for no other reason than that they are alive and they are mine. God is enamored with me…with you…we are HIS! I cannot wait to be with Anna again. But truly, I cannot wait to be within the presence of the very one who made me empty and purposeless without himself to fill me…I cannot wait!

It is not even 8:00 am this morning and my eyes are already sore from tears….they are sweet tears…each drop expresses love. A love I know exists because God placed it there and will continue to supply so that I may shed them each moment of my life when they have been prepared to flow. Some have asked are you sad this year? Maybe a better question is do you love more this year? Strangely, the love grows bigger and bigger as my days draw closer and closer to our reunion. Today belongs to her. Today she has my full attention as I ponder the reality of heaven and dream about the grand possibilities of her eternal life. Tomorrow is my New Year’s Day…But for today, I ask each of you to join us in thinking about your loved ones gone. Imagine the unimaginable and let the truth of eternity and the power of being embedded with the gift of salvation seep into your hearts and make you want to live for that man…that day….

Anna Kelty…we love you baby girl…Happy 4th Birthday!!!

Forever adored…..Anna Rose Katherine Kelty 2/25/2005

The beautiful song you heard was written by our friend John Hatfield and presented to us on Anna’s third birthday. Feel free to listen to the song again and to really listen to the words. They tell our story. Thank you John and Laura.

First Snow

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Well…for those of you that count on this blog for a good story, or for a good update for your nephews and grandsons… forgive this long period of silence. The truth is, our camera broke and I’ve been incredibly busy. I am not the best juggler and something had to go in order for the sanity to remain. That said, I borrowed my mom’s camera and have some new events to blog about. John’s Birthday was January 23rd and we had a wonderful birthday weekend. The highlight was a house full of fun visitors. My college roomate and dear friend Raegan vetured down from Lexington with her kids, Mallaney, age 3 and Max, 4 months. I had such a wonderful time with Raeg, that I was tricked into thinking we were celebrating my birthday. I am waiting on pictures, so I’ll have to post on that later. For now, enjoy some fun pics of my three men celebrating our first Virginia snow of 2009! So Fun!!!!

This was Ben’s first experience with snow. At first he stayed on the porch and observed and then he joined in gleefully as daddy pretended to be searching for animal tracks a.k.a John tracks.

My camera was a little too fast and snapped just prior to an adorable and priceless brother hug.

We are lacking in the snowsuit department for Ben. We just layered him good and finished him off with a U of L nylon suit.
Daddy and Ben!!! Aren’t thy cute! Red is a mandatory color in our house these days. I am finally a true Cardinals fan. I’m addicted. I don’t think I am very fun to watch a game with however. I can’t shut up and I bite my nails the whole time and scream a lot.
Chris is clearly teaching his sons who to root for from an early age…thus the CUBS snow hat that is clearly to big for John. Last night John siad he neede to perform a talent show adn he stood on top of the coffee table and sang the entire “GO CUBS GO” song…stay tuned for a video Chris says he will upload later of that.


More cute Ben!


Now it’s time for HOT CHOCOLATE!!!

We gave Ben his cup which he thought was regular soy milk one sip and then…..


PURE HAPPINESS!!!!! He kept drinking and then clapping. He has his mama’s sweet tooth!!!

Sealed with a kiss!!!!!

Thanks for taking a peek into our fun snowy day!!!!

Happy Birthday Benny!

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Is is possible that a year has passed sincc sweet Ben was born? What a precious presence he holds in our family. I wanted to post some of the pictures I took from his special day. It was pretty uneventful. we had a party last week adn will be having another party in Louisville over Thanksgiving.

The day started with brother cuddling while watching TV, which never loses it’s preciousness. I took John to church and Chris stayed home with Ben. He was exposed 2 weeks ago to the chicken pox and we have to keep him away from other babies until we know he is in the clear. My dad took us all to franco’s for lunch. I went to work and then we took the kids to Barnes and Noble in the evening to play with the trains and to pick out a yummy birthday treat.

Can you tell Ben is hyped for some Birthday FUN!!!


The Birthday Hat didn’t stay on for long

When I told John to pick out a treat for He and Ben to share, He said, “Hey I know, Ben should have his own cookie since it’s his birthday.” Hmmm, isn’t John kind to want Ben to have his own very own cookie all to himself.

Our favorite spot…the trains…so much fun…so many germs! I’m sure the kids will have someehting gross by tomorrow.

Look at me….I can walk everywhere, all the time. I’m not so laid back anymore! My big brother ahs taught me well!


We can’t believe there is more birthday celebration waiting for us in 2 weeks in Kentucky. Happy Birthday to you Goo-paw! Thanks for sharing November 9th with Ben!!!

A Pumpkin a Pirate and Polka Dots…

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Wow- it’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve blogged. I started working last month and blogging just hasn’t been on my list of priorities. Not to mention my camera broke and I haven’t had pictures to accompany my stories. I still don’t have much time to write, but I wanted to get these important pictures up.

Halloween was a blast. John was a pirate…Arrgh…and Ben was a pumpkin. Chris and I couldn’t stop lauging at John’s joy! Every house we came to was another opportunity to verbally exude his enthusiasm and pleasure. ” I never believe it, I never have this much fun before…skittles wow, I’ve never had those before…mommy I love halloween it’s the greatest day…and on and on and on! His other fun slogan of the night, “Was daddy you shine it again”, a direction for Chris to shine his flash light into the belly of John’s swelling pumpkin! Halloween came just in time, I had run out of pooping on the potty treats. Did you know that everytime your child poops on the potty the mother is rewarded with a treat as well?

A cousin trick or treat picture!

Polka Dots were the theme of Ben’s little family Birthday Party we had last week. We celebrated a week before his birthday since mom will be in Africa for the next couple of weeks. We will be having another birthday party in Louisville after Thanksgiving.
Why polka dots you ask? ben favorite item is his polka dot blankey. They are inseparable. This is a picture of m changing Ben’s diaper which usually ends in a fight- so the blankey is in hand- and Chris is tickling him.

We can’t believe our baby will be one on Sunday. A year has brought yet another flood of joy and goodnes into our lives. I am overcome with gratitude!
Ben’s first love affair with cake- If he is anything like his mama there will be many more to come!
This is Ben trying to reach the camera with icing hands…and Ben upset that the festivities must come to an end. Let’s just be honest, we all feel that way on our birthdays we just don’t all express it.

I am sure I will be posting more pictures of Ben’s birthday this Sunday! Thanks for reading up on us!

Oh how I love this Boy!!!

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Can you believe how big Ben is getting. I am sorry I haven’t posted in a whwile. My camera isn’t working and I need to get it fixed. These pics were taken by my friend/photographer Courtney Vogel several weeks ago.

Ben is 5 weeks from turning one and I am so proud of my big baby. He took 4 steps a couple of nights ago and is saying mama, dada and gaga for John. He has 6 teeth and his hair is getting thicker and redder everyday. We may have a strawberry blond yet.

Courtney will be taking pictuers of Ben in a few more weeks for his official one year pictures and she will be snapping some pictures of John too. I can’t wait. Maybe I will finally get one good picture of the two of them together. Courtney is actually coming to Harrisonburg on the 7th of November if you are interested in her tkaing pictures of your kids. She’s so amazing and artistic and kids love her. Check out her website at http://www.courtneyvogelphotography.com/

Let me know if you are interested!

These are some of my favorites!


This last one is perfect to portray my little snuggle bug! I hope he stays that way forever!

My Monkey Girl is 5!!!

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I don’t know exactly why, but “Monkey Girl” has always been my nickname for Bethy! She turned five this past Friday…and I can’t belive it. She is in kindergarten this year and seems so grown up! I don’t really have much to say except that I adore her and I am so glad that my nieces live in Harrisonburg so that I can go to their birthday parties!

Check out Her Cuteness and the Birthday bash!
Birthday HUGS!!!
4 beautiful generations!!!
Ben thought it was his birthday….wait your turn Ben…2 more months!
Nana and Pop with Ben and a great Cousins Picture!

Family Time at Rockbridge

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Chris sent me off on Saturday morning to get some much needed “Kate” time. My plan was to go to a consignment shop which was selling all summer stuff for $1.00 and then to head to Greenberry’s for coffee and then to Beth’s “friend Party” to paint finger nails for 5, 5 year olds! In the process of doing all of that I got a phone call from David inviting us all to Young Life’s Rockbridge for a family camp in which he was speaking that night. The ramsey’s and mama had already decided to go. I really wanted to go. i hadn’t seen Dave and Melissa since June and I had never heard Dave speak before. However I had already been gone the whole morning. I called Chris and because he is so AMAZING, he said, of course …go. So I left at 9:00 in the morning adn didn’t come home until 11:00 pm. It was a great day for me and I had so much fun with my family.

Dave is an excellent speaker and shared his take on the Prodigal son parable. I left that evening overwhelmed by how taken God is with me and extremely proud of my brother! I can’t wait to get up to blacksburg to spend more time with Dave and Melissa in their new home!

Old Friends…New Babies!!!

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Meet some of my oldest adn dearest friends and their sweet babies! Kristin and Courtney have been important women in my life for a very long time. Kristin and I have been friends since I moved to harrisonburg in 96′ and she and her husband Tim have just moved to Charlottesvile. Courtney, who is college friends with Kristin and therefore my dear friend and also my high school young life leader lives, in Churchville VA. We met up today with our little one’s in Charlottes’ville and spent the morning together. It was so fun to be with women that really know and love me. The time was definitely too short and we were juggling our kids, but it was so refreshing and renewing. Clyde, McKenna and Ben were very cute together. Courtney (unbelievable photographer www.courtneyvogelphotography.com) took some really precious pictures of our kiddos which I will post when I get them. For now here a couple of cute pictures of Clydey that I captured.
I mean…is he a cutie pie or what.
Clyde and Ben both have huge dimples!
I cannot tell you how excited I am that Kristin,Tim and Clyde have made the move from St. Louis so we will get to b with them more!
I love you girls…Let’s do it again soon!

From Zaney Days to Zinnia reminders!

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Yesterday was a day where “CRAZY” was a leash around my neck. It was dragging me everywhere and I felt like I couldn’t get a moment to stop and take a breath. Well, let me rephrase. There were many moments where I began the inhale for a deep breath, but the words “JOHN KELTY!!!!” butted into my exhale as I darted off to the next big intervention. From big wet circles lingering of nursing home aroma soaking into my sofa to finding John John playing “Kick you in the face” with his baby brother…to finding that someone…hmmm…. found a couple new surfaces for his crayola friends to break dance. The kitchen floor and the stairs are looking very lovely. This was a day when both Mom, Kristen and Chris each had the privilege of picking up some of my pieces and tried to put me back together again. Oh Humpty Dumpty…I feel your pain! My supporters tried to reassure me that 2 would be better than 3, that indeed John was a hand full and that I am an excellent mother even though my heart and mind are making very good prosecutors. Any of my readers that are mothers feeling me on this???? I am so glad no one was here to witness my moments of impatience, the gritting teeth, my sharp words, my mounting emotions and the conversations I was having with John as if he was my age and could reason like an adult. Did I forget all lessons taught in Mothering 101? We all had that in college, right?
I went to bed last night with an incredibly sad heart. I felt like I was crawling into bed with pajamas made of boulders. I just felt heavy and afraid to wake up tomorrow to have another…yesterday. I actually dreamed last night that I was taking care of an incredibly obese adult man that kept having diarrhea everywhere…the second part of that dream was me falling into a river that was filled with trash and all the trash I saw around me was stuff from my house. Wow, I think these dreams may be alluding to the fact that I feel like I am living in chaos, mess and poop. I woke up surrendering it ALL to Jesus. As I asked for God’s help I remembered that he loves to give help and in fact that’s the whole point of the Christian life…for him to live his life through me. I had a sudden burst of hope that I wasn’t a lost cause and that I could take on another day with God as my parenting companion. On my own, I will always fail to be the mom John Kelty needs. With God’s assistance I can slow down and be the patience and tenderness he really needs. With “God’s mercies are new every morning” and “Love is patient” and “I can do all things through God who gives me strength” scrolling again and again in my mind, I soared through the day. My mother even called this morning to say she would come over and give me a break and I told her no. I wanted to spend the entire day relying on Christ to enable me to be the person I want to be and can be by his strength.
We had a great day. Coincidently, there were no arguments today, there wasn’t a single poop or pee accident and there was lots or grace, lots of freedom, lots of laughing, lots of playing and lots of peace. There was a spanking mingled in but it was smooth and not a volcanic eruption from me or my feisty one. It was a good day. I know John is John and tomorrow I can choose and pray to be the patient, loving, fun, mom I want to be and he may do everything wrong. But at least for today I definitely see how my mood and choices and tone affect my children. The day ended with 2 naked boys laughing and splashing in the tub and Chris and I watching in awe that they get to be ours….Did yesterday really happen? How can I feel such pride and love for these boys when yesterday had me wanting to hide under the bed like our dog Mazie.
I am just so grateful that I am not ever stuck being the me I don’t really want to be and that God can save my children from years of therapy and dysfunction if I trust in him to help me grow in the areas where I am weak.
Good luck mother friends…especially to those of you who have self willed children! Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start to take a deep breath and to trust God to give you what you need for each parenting moment instead of just doing what comes naturally.
The picture at the top of the page is a picture of a bouquet of zinnias John picked for me at Sharon’s garden when we were in Louisville this summer. I was so touched by the gesture and by the smile on his face when he gave them to me. Apart from roses they are my favorite flower ( my mom’s too) they are so simple and so bright. I couldn’t bring them home and so I took a picture of them instead. Tonight before I go to bed I will be framing it and putting it out where I can see it as a constant reminder that in the moments that feel so hard, the heart of this little boy is so very precious and I have been given the privilege of shaping it.
From this tired, frazzled and yet smiling mama…. I’m signing off. Chris is waiting for me to help him make some “Classroom Rules” posters for his room! Hmmm….maybe my classroom could use a few as well. Sleep well friends.