I have been trying for sometime to put into words why I feel so comfortable and at home in “30″. In fact, for years now it has been on the horizon as I meca of sorts that I have been journeying too. And now I am here. When I was little it represented a life I always wanted and dreamed about. With your 20′s under your belt you can officially be an adult with a mini van as a clear and well established possesion or goal without shame. 20…not so much. 30 is also a validating age. The new wrinkles that appear around the eyes and the gray hairs creeping along the frame of my face are now warranted by my age and I don’t yet feel the great need for new skin care products and a hair dye kit. I feel proud of every sign of age. Gray hairs equal wisdom, wrinkles mean i have laughed a whole lot and belly stretch marks are badges of honor. I can tell you exactly which mark came from which of my three children…my stomach is a map of motherhood. Models may not agree…but I am proud of every single worn sign on my body that indicates all 30 years of life I have lived.

30 to me means “Let’s Go.” With the past behind I am geared up for what lies ahead. If you are reading this than you know that my 20′s were not the easiest. God brought three amazing men into my life and one daughter captured to heaven. The joy and the pain of the last 10 years have been teriffic. I am so grateful I walk into my 30,s praising God instead of shaking my fist for the cards I hold in my hand. I am so greatful for little boys that giggle and wrestle and teach me about my need for Jesus.

My sister gave me the most precious birthday gift. She made me a scrap book album of “30 things I have learned from my sister.” I laughed and cried as I took in each page…a documentary of my life. At the end of the book I said to her, ” Kristen these aren’t things I have taught you…these are things my life has taught us.” From the importance of bushy haired girls learning to use a round brush to learing the true meaning of “God has a plan” life has been good to me.

There was a moment when we were reading the book together when I didn’t think I would be a able to turn another page. It was a stuck moment in between # 23 “Our citizenship is in heaven” exemplified by a picture of my sister holding and kissing Anna…. to #25 ” Dreams do come true” with pictures of my boys and neices growing up together. The moment delivered the unexpected tidal wave of grief with it’s very own key to my heart and I was stuck between those 2 vibrant realities… Anna, which is my past and also my future and the now which is my boys. Every once in a while I get stunned by it. I have a momentary loss of understanding and I lose my breath when I try to hold those 2 realities, my 3 children all at once. How can I be here smiling as if life is full when she is gone… when try as I might in my futile, desperate attempts I can’t figure out a way to fix what was broken. My heart tells me if I look hard enough there will be a loop hole in the death system, a door to take me right to her NOW!!! I bowed my head and took a few moments to live my grief and then as I have done for the past 4 years I took a deep breath and stepped right into the next frame…the truth of my boys and my neices and the fullness of life on earth with the truth of the full redemption of Anna ahead of me.

As June 6 was coming to an end I lay in bed with John for our evening ritual of bed time stories. When we came to the picturs of Anna, he looked up and saw my tears. He asked me why I was crying and I said, “John I am so hapy that Anna gets to live with Jesus. I just really miss her sometimes.” To which he replied “But mommy, it’s okay now… you’ve got me!” With what had to be the world’s tightest hug, I replied, “that’s right John I have more of you than I even know what to do with.” I am BLESSED!

Thanks to each of you for making me feel so loved and for journying life with me!!!!

Here are more birthday snapshots: