Staring up at our five pink balloons soaring into the sky

Every night John and I cuddle for a few minutes before he falls asleep. It’s become a little tradition to share a “secret of the night.” I whisper something sweet in his ear and then he whispers something sweet in mine. Usually it’s something like, “You are so special John” and “You are so nice mommy.” Tonight like always I said, “Okay Johnny, are you ready for the secret of the night?” “Yep” he replied. “John, I am so grateful you are my little boy.” He smiled, leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Mommy you are so in love with me!” I smiled at the innocent and precious secret and I thought, He’s got it right! I wonder if he said that because I told him that I loved him and his brother one million times today?

Today I am filled to overflowing with love for my children. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad, loving her and not being able to tell her or hold her, but it does. I can’t make it go away. Yes, there are moments when I feel the supernatural peace and joy of Jesus lifting me, but the sad reality is, my daughter is dead and I ache for her.

Thank you Lord that in Christ I have the hope of telling her I love her and holding her again, and let me tell you, I am living for that moment!!!

Today I am also overwhelmed by being loved. We have been showered with phone calls, flowers,gifts, cupcakes, cards and on and on. So thank you dear friends and family for holding us. We survive because of you!!!

This morning I had a moment where I thought I would pass out from the sheer exhaustion of grief. I fell to my knees and begged God for the “something” that I needed, whatever that something might be. When I closed my eyes, I saw a little girl at a birthday party. She seemed busy and happy and then all of a sudden, she turned away from what she was doing and looked straight at me. When I opened my eyes, I wondered, can Anna see me right now, here on the floor crying in the kitchen? And then this glorious thought transformed my miserable moment into a marvelous one…”She exists.” With that, a gust of joy swept through my aching soul, reviving my weary spirit.

The next thought was, “what if she didn’t exist?” Imagining my life without her or without the hope of her was more excruciating than any hour of grief I’ve endured. Anna Kelty exists! I begged God to continue to let that truth simmer up in me to a roaring boil. I ran upstairs, slapped on some make-up, dressed the boys and headed out the door for a celebration day…isn’t that what birthdays are all about? Of course Starbucks was the first stop! As we sat in the comfy chairs sharing a blueberry muffin, Ben waddled around singing “Old MacDonald” at the top of his lungs and I watched as people turned from what they were doing to admire him. John smiled and said, “Mommy isn’t this a lovely time we are having!” I marveled at them and I thought, “my life, even today, is so full of LIFE!”

This day has progressed with joy, but we’ve continued to miss her in every moment. Knowing that we would release pink balloons tonight, John asked if he could make a special picture for Anna to tape on the front of his. He colored five roses with “John and Anna” written in classic four year old handwriting underneath. He said, I think Anna is going to tell Jesus that she has the best brother in the whole world when she gets her picure from me! Again, I marveled!

I am out of words. There is much more that I think and feel as this birthday comes and goes but I am simply too tired to lay it all out.

I’ll end with this:

Anna you exist!!! Happy Birthday joyful girl! I’ll whisper up my “secret of the night” in a bit….

Loving you like crazy….

~Mama~