Finding Shelter in the Words of Jesus
“Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
Tap, tap, tap go the wind spurred branches on the side of the tent. My tranquil moment is suddenly hijacked by a simple sound. There seems to be a voice that whispers to me that it’s not really a tree branch at all. Suddenly the shadows on the tapestry of the tent morph into all sorts of terrifying creatures advancing upon my safe haven. Grief is not the only unwelcomed presence here in the woods…
I remember reading in a Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis that he “never imagined that grief would feel so like fear.” When the unthinkable happens to you, then everything you imagine becomes a possibility. Tonight I walked out to my car in the pitch black 8:00 p.m. night and suddenly I found myself in an uncontrolled state of panic. An unexpected sound dove into my ears gripping my heart and before I even had time to construct a rational thought, an entire scene of abduction ensued. When I turned to discover a sweet, smiling couple getting into the parked car next to mine my rational thought came out of hiding. I was stunned to find myself (as if I’d had an amnesic episode) clutching my steering wheel having just locked the doors, my heart pounding out of my chest. Again, tap, tap, tap, go the branches on the side of my tent.
What happened? All was well. I’d had a fabulous day absorbing the unexpected February sunshine. I’d just enjoyed a wonderful dinner out with my family. I ran an errand and stopped by Cold Stone for a generous helping of mocha oreo creamy goodness and then BAM! I’d been ransacked by fear. Last night we turned the lights off to go to sleep and a few minutes later I heard Chris ask, “Kate are you crying?” I was crying. I am a 31 year old woman but in that moment I was reduced to a little girl and suddenly I wanted very badly to clutch my childhood teddy bear. As I started talking I realized I had been pushing down lots of fear and anxiety in an effort of avoiding this very moment….and yet here I was.
If you read my last post then you will remember that I wrote about the “Burden Bearer,” the Jesus who literally lifts the yoke of our pain and grief. We are freed by His rescue mission defined in the proclamation: “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28-29). Today I’d like to share with you about the “Bearer of Truth,” The Jesus who literally freed me with the rescue mission defined in the proclamation, “Then you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).
The reason that fear has an unruly ability to grip me, twist me and reduce me in February is because the wilderness invites the tempter into my life. Remember Jesus’ wilderness experience? It wasn’t until He was weak from hunger that Satan came to temp Him. And how did he tempt Him? With lies…big fat, ugly, stinking, lies! I will never forget my therapist’s explanation that the cavernous void death vacates in our hearts is a playground for the deceptions of the enemy. Anyone else feel like screaming UNFAIR! First we suffer the pain of death and then our minds are tortured by the dirty mouth of Satan.
“There is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language for he is a liar and the father of lies” (2 Cor 10:5). His very definition is deceiver and he is on a mission to rob us of the freedom God promises to those who KNOW the truth.
Our earthly battles are not simply “against flesh and blood, but against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly sphere” (Ephesians 6:12-13). An unbelievable shift took place not only in my grief, but in my life when I began to realize that our earthly lives are being played out in an invisible battle field. The enemy’s weapons are his lies. And as children of God, we have “the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:17). Jesus gave us the victory recipe in His own wilderness experience. He fought the enemy’s deceptive efforts with scripture. And what happened? After three attempts to deceive Jesus, the devil left because he cannot and will not ever win a battle where there is truth.
The lie I currently find myself battling is that I am not safe, that I should stand in fear of not only this day, but every unknown day before me. The deception is that February pushes the off switch on some invisible force field leaving me vulnerable to any and every possible attack. As I approach the 22nd the day my life was forever changed by unexpected tragedy, there is a sense that doom will come for me once again. And I am not alone. My sweet husband dreamed on the evening of February first, that he was trying to take care of our kids and he kept breaking down, crying. Then he realized that I had died. February invites us into the wilderness and the wilderness invites the enemy to prey on our fragile hearts and minds. And so I know without a shadow of a doubt that I need my tent, the one that shelters me in TRUTH and delivers me into the freedom that is absolutely MINE in Christ Jesus!
I feel like a soul sister to Eve who was also tempted by the enemy. He lied to her in the garden in the form of a serpent and caused her to believe that God was withholding from her, that He wasn’t good and that she should take life into her own hands. Deception led to her disbelief in God and therefore dependence upon Him was removed…you know the rest of the story.
The day Anna died was the day the serpent slithered upon my path and began hissing a multitude of lies about God’s ability to take care of me. I was so weak and tired I couldn’t even as much as lift my head to notice that a snake was the one bellowing in my ear. And so I bought the lies, I took the bait and I have spent the past six years climbing out from under the web of deception that entangled, no, practically strangled me. But here is the beautiful pattern I have come to rely upon: for every single lie I believe there is a matched truth to set me free. This picture comes to mind:
The lie is a pit. When we believe it, we fall in and our ability to see and to move is suddenly removed. The truth comes spiraling down like a rescue rope. We have the choice to grab it and be lifted to freedom or stay in the pit. The hard part is that the power of the lie becomes greater once we are in the pit. The hissing continues, “That rope can’t hold you…don’t you know the second you grab it the rescuer will let go. You’ll fall. You are destined for a life of disappointment and tragedy. Didn’t the death of your child teach you that? You are safe down here, protected from a life and a God that will hurt you.” That’s how it happened for me. Many times I realized the rope was there and went to grab it, but the power of the lie, the enemy’s voice, was so great, that I turned from the rope and sank back down to the floor of the ditch. The lies were many and great. Some resulted in anger, some in guilt and some just left me stuck to even want to let go and move on.
I suppose I should mention that one of the reasons I was reluctant to trust Jesus, was that I wanted the TRUTH to be a promise statement that I would never be hurt or blindsided by such an awful loss again. I had a very definite idea about what the rope should look like. It wasn’t until I finally tried the rope that Jesus was offering me that I realized the truth was enough! The truth came in many different ways but really it all boiled down to this: Jesus and whatever He had to offer, whether peace, strength, joy, companionship or endurance was ENOUGH for me. His grace was in fact sufficient. I initially thought I could only be at peace and free from my fear if I knew the future. But instead, coming to know Jesus was supernaturally, exactly what I needed!
I have been in the hospital twice this week with what we assumed was pre-term labor. The second trip turned into a Valentine’s date where two shots of “brethane” were still unable completely stop the contractions. A fabulous test revealed that I was not in labor and so I was sent home…with contractions. A week of drama in an already dramatic month, but I have been at peace. I know the only reason is because I am aware that the enemy would love to use this as an opportunity to whisper all sorts of nasty lies about my life, the fate of my baby and the rest of this pregnancy into my ear. I am on guard. My sword is drawn and I am claiming a collection of truths that are winning my fragile heart into freedom moment by moment and day after day. I think the reason I was plagued by panic the other night in the parking lot, was because my sword was down. I am not on guard against those kinds of fears. The enemy came through the back door. Now, I’m ready! And if and when he comes at me again, I am literally smiling just thinking about the blow I have for him.
How does this work? How is it that TRUTH can actually set us free? For me, I have a “weapon bag.” Every day, sometimes several times, I open it, pull them out and hold them, sharpen them and admire them.
Here are a few of my favorites:
“My peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).
“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You” (Isaiah 26:3).
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way” (Thes 3:16).
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!” (Phil 4:13).
“My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Cor 12:9).
“For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 5:8).
The messages here are all the same; Jesus offers peace and strength, joy and purpose, all the time. Circumstances can’t change what He has, can and will do for me.
I will close with these cherished words:
“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her there!” (Hosea 2:14).
There is a cruel voice that whispers to me in the woods. But there is also a tender voice. And He has won me back. We sit together in the tent. As the tap, tap, tap, begins to infiltrate my ears, reaching for my heart, the voice of Jesus begins to recite age old words that lead to freedom. It is a windy month, the noises and shadows are undeniable…but so is the presence of the “Bearer of Truth” and I am Free!
Unbelievable!! I needed to read this on this very morning. Kate- thanks so much for giving me the image of the rope. It’s so simple but it’s so profound.
Kate, I love you so much! What a gift you have to be able to distill your hurt and pain into Truth not just for your own life, but for others (like me!) as well!! Thank you, for taking the time and making the effort to share with us. I’m praying for you and sending big hugs your way!!
Love to you and all the family,
Anne
I came across your blog through a friend of a friend.. We lost our daughter last November. Since then dealing with the grief and the fear has, at times, consumed me… Your words were so encouraging to me today. It gives me much hope to see someone who has walked through the grief and made it to a new season of life.
Here’s a link to my blog, and to our story.. http://ourlifeinstories.blogspot.com/2010/11/our-sweet-harper-joy.html
Thank you for the hope you’ve given to me today!
Sarah