Walking across the ped-way into the UK Children’s hospital I caught glimpse of “Donavan Hall” in the distance where room 104 (or Harmony as we called it) solidified the friendship I have with Raegan Anne Mallaney. My eyes filled with tears as I picked up the pace desperately wanting to get to my friend. My trip to Lexington, KY had been planned for months. I couldn’t wait to meet Theo! I had already fallen in love with him from pictures and months of carrying his name to Jesus in prayer. But this was to be the grand moment where I would finally get to meet the little mister. The third and youngest child to my college roommate Raegan, 17 month old Theo joined the Gyorffy family from the Congo and arrived safely back in the states with his mama in March.
Our dorm room was nicknamed “harmony” because Raeg and I were quite the vocal pair. Now the words to our favorite duet, “King of Kings and Lord of Lords, glory hallelujah…Jesus Prince of Peace, glory, hallelujah” leapt into my mind. We were so naïve. 1997 had us convinced that the most difficult thing we would ever have to conquer was Math 109. The tune remained with the words now a faith anchor and a desperate prayer. Two weeks had gone by since I received the text that stole my breath and pushed me to my knees: “Theo…Leukemia.” As I opened the door to room 474, I grabbed my friend and was hit by a wave that I am now going to do my best to describe:
Christian Theodore Gyorffy is even more handsome and precious than I had imagined and his mother, more beautiful than I’ve ever seen. I am coming to the very strong conclusion that there is another diagnosis that cannot go without mentioning. I know nothing of medicine and get lost very quickly in doctor speech. But what I discovered over the past few days I will now confidently and awfully diagnose in a single word, “Jesus.” As if a black light revealed His finger prints in the darkness of cancer, I saw Him and felt Him…He was there.
I saw Him first in the face of Mammy, Raeg’s mom and Theo’s grandmother. She met me in the hallway and escorted me into the room and in her face and in her touch I saw the love of Jesus. I saw the desperation of a mother who herself feared and fought cancer for her baby girl, who just happens to be Raegan. There was compassion in her eyes. There was hope in her eyes. There was love in her eyes. It was Jesus.
I saw Him in the face of countless nurses who kept the smiles and tender touches coming with every medicine administered, every temperature taken and with every good and bad word spoken. They were a cool wind tempering the high fevers and hot mood in the room. It was Jesus.
I saw Him in the face and gestures of Stephanie, a college friend of Raeg’s and nurse on another floor. Frequenting her room for breaks and meal times, Stephanie brings knowledge, kindness, normalcy and routine to life in the hospital. With her entries, Raeg perks up for a small pleasure and I can tell she is strengthened. It was Jesus.
I saw Him in Sandy, a dorm mate to us both our sophomore year and now a hospital mate to Raeg. Her baby boy was diagnosed with the same tumor Raegan had and conquered in her infancy. Now Raeg represents hope and victory for our old friend. Sandy represents friendship, faith and “getting it” that very few of the rest of us can offer. They have each other as the endure the fight of their lives for their babies. In Sandy’s smile and in her partnership I saw Jesus.
I felt Him in the phone conversations and texts Raeg took frequently from Retta, her sister, who is managing the rest of Raegans’ life outside the hospital walls. Though I did not see Retta, I saw peace and even delight on Raeg’s face as she spoke to her. Delivering funny antics from home, Raegan is reminded that some parts of life are worth laughing at. As she hangs up the phone, there is a deep breath released, revealing relief and even gratitude. The look says, “What would I be doing without my sister.” In Retta, there is trust, there is peace and even joy. It was Jesus.
I saw Him in the face of a daddy and husband overwhelmed by compassion and tenderness for his wife and son. Mike walked in the room and without hesitation, the baton was passed. I saw dependence, trust and security as Raegan untied herself from Theo and handed the reins to Mike. They are doing this together. There is strength, hope and comfort in their partnership. They are taking turns at everything. This was simultaneously sad and beautiful to witness. They are divvying up all of life’s once shared responsibilities, but seamlessly so. In their marriage I saw Jesus.
As I think back over my three days spent in room 474, and my many encounters with Jesus in the faces of those that came and went, I can honestly say I experienced our Savior most profoundly in Raegan. Her love and commitment to Theo in the midst of her own exhaustion and fear was holy. Empty of self and yet full of something pure and substantial, she was overflowing with the love or Jesus…a love so patient and kind, selfless and strong, giving and hopeful. In Raegan I saw the beauty of the One in whom she is trusting with not only her life, but the life of her son. In my friend, I encountered Jesus!
Watching Raegan and Theo was like a dance. One movement or glance necessitating response from the other. They are in sync, in tune with each other. They look nothing alike, and yet, when I was with them, I couldn’t help but to ponder how alike they seemed. They share love and desperation for each other. They share trust and determination. But mostly, they share Jesus. They are not alone. As they continue to survive and fight with and for one another in that room, a holy vapor fills the air and they are enveloped in the presence, provision and power of Jesus together.
Theo Gyorffy may have Leukemia, but he also has Jesus…and this is the word I will repeat and claim over and over every day until he is once again running around the backyard tackling his big brother and hugging his big sister, free from cancer!
There is much about life and suffering that remains a mystery to me, but one thing I know without wavering is that Jesus is worth trusting during the bad news seasons of life and He loves us. Raeg, I am honored to be your friend. I am blessed by your sweet boy and I am proud to be among the countless number of family, friends and even strangers praying and praising Him with and for you.
Leaving you was difficult for me. It feels wrong not to be with you. Not knowing when I will see you again, I am comforted and strengthened by the reality that Jesus is with you and I know Him to be…(sing with me friend)
“King of Kings and Lord of Lords, glory, hallelujah…Jesus, Prince of Peace, glory, hallelujah!”
What a gift to see Jesus through your account, Kate. I know Raegan, Theo, Mike and their family were blessed by Jesus in you, too.
I want to thank you for the beauty and grace by which you write what so clearly comes from your heart. I now feel a bond with every mom who has lost a child, infant, adolescent or adult child. Our son was taken from us last July (2012), for no fault of his own by the hand of another. These past 14months have been so incredibly difficult but the Lord is so faithful and good to us. He has told and reminded me of several things which I hold dear to my heart. I have truly been at a loss in knowing how to handle this great loss while needing to help carry the rest of the family as we all stumble through this time together. I have come to realize this “time” will not end; Our grief, the missing soul we all had been blessed with as a part of our family, that place which our son had filled will be empty until we see him again in Glory. Not knowing what was “normal” in the loss of a child/brother/uncle, etc., we have celebrated my son’s birthday, we had a family gathering at the graveside on Christmas, and we do speak of him often. Soon after hearing of his death and learning what had happened, I believed the facts had much to do with spiritual warfare; Too many things had been said and done in the month previous to his death to allow me to believe otherwise. I have come to know the 25 years our son was with us was our Gift, our Blessing from the Lord. And also my husband and I had the distinct privilege to be his parents. That we are blessed to be the caretakers of God’s children. We also had 3 sons and 2 daughters, all of whom we are blessed with. I pray the Lord continues to teach, grow and share through your precious soul and beautiful writing to help other grieving parents. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away,allows it to be taken, something I do not believe we will understand until we reach our eternal home when we see our loved ones again. Our babies are His babies, we just have the privilege of being their mommas. I have heard the term “new normal” boy do they have that right. Life will never be the same with that piece of our family missing. God Bless