Yesterday was a day where “CRAZY” was a leash around my neck. It was dragging me everywhere and I felt like I couldn’t get a moment to stop and take a breath. Well, let me rephrase. There were many moments where I began the inhale for a deep breath, but the words “JOHN KELTY!!!!” butted into my exhale as I darted off to the next big intervention. From big wet circles lingering of nursing home aroma soaking into my sofa to finding John John playing “Kick you in the face” with his baby brother…to finding that someone…hmmm…. found a couple new surfaces for his crayola friends to break dance. The kitchen floor and the stairs are looking very lovely. This was a day when both Mom, Kristen and Chris each had the privilege of picking up some of my pieces and tried to put me back together again. Oh Humpty Dumpty…I feel your pain! My supporters tried to reassure me that 2 would be better than 3, that indeed John was a hand full and that I am an excellent mother even though my heart and mind are making very good prosecutors. Any of my readers that are mothers feeling me on this???? I am so glad no one was here to witness my moments of impatience, the gritting teeth, my sharp words, my mounting emotions and the conversations I was having with John as if he was my age and could reason like an adult. Did I forget all lessons taught in Mothering 101? We all had that in college, right?
I went to bed last night with an incredibly sad heart. I felt like I was crawling into bed with pajamas made of boulders. I just felt heavy and afraid to wake up tomorrow to have another…yesterday. I actually dreamed last night that I was taking care of an incredibly obese adult man that kept having diarrhea everywhere…the second part of that dream was me falling into a river that was filled with trash and all the trash I saw around me was stuff from my house. Wow, I think these dreams may be alluding to the fact that I feel like I am living in chaos, mess and poop. I woke up surrendering it ALL to Jesus. As I asked for God’s help I remembered that he loves to give help and in fact that’s the whole point of the Christian life…for him to live his life through me. I had a sudden burst of hope that I wasn’t a lost cause and that I could take on another day with God as my parenting companion. On my own, I will always fail to be the mom John Kelty needs. With God’s assistance I can slow down and be the patience and tenderness he really needs. With “God’s mercies are new every morning” and “Love is patient” and “I can do all things through God who gives me strength” scrolling again and again in my mind, I soared through the day. My mother even called this morning to say she would come over and give me a break and I told her no. I wanted to spend the entire day relying on Christ to enable me to be the person I want to be and can be by his strength.
We had a great day. Coincidently, there were no arguments today, there wasn’t a single poop or pee accident and there was lots or grace, lots of freedom, lots of laughing, lots of playing and lots of peace. There was a spanking mingled in but it was smooth and not a volcanic eruption from me or my feisty one. It was a good day. I know John is John and tomorrow I can choose and pray to be the patient, loving, fun, mom I want to be and he may do everything wrong. But at least for today I definitely see how my mood and choices and tone affect my children. The day ended with 2 naked boys laughing and splashing in the tub and Chris and I watching in awe that they get to be ours….Did yesterday really happen? How can I feel such pride and love for these boys when yesterday had me wanting to hide under the bed like our dog Mazie.
I am just so grateful that I am not ever stuck being the me I don’t really want to be and that God can save my children from years of therapy and dysfunction if I trust in him to help me grow in the areas where I am weak.
Good luck mother friends…especially to those of you who have self willed children! Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start to take a deep breath and to trust God to give you what you need for each parenting moment instead of just doing what comes naturally.
The picture at the top of the page is a picture of a bouquet of zinnias John picked for me at Sharon’s garden when we were in Louisville this summer. I was so touched by the gesture and by the smile on his face when he gave them to me. Apart from roses they are my favorite flower ( my mom’s too) they are so simple and so bright. I couldn’t bring them home and so I took a picture of them instead. Tonight before I go to bed I will be framing it and putting it out where I can see it as a constant reminder that in the moments that feel so hard, the heart of this little boy is so very precious and I have been given the privilege of shaping it.
From this tired, frazzled and yet smiling mama…. I’m signing off. Chris is waiting for me to help him make some “Classroom Rules” posters for his room! Hmmm….maybe my classroom could use a few as well. Sleep well friends.
I hear ya babe! I have days where I go to bed thinking why in the world was I yelling all day! I agree that it is only in yielding to God’s grace and direction that we can be the parents He has created us to be. I told a friend the other day that God gave us these children to be ours and He is co-parenting with us. It’s good to know we can lean on Him for help and patience! Even if/when we fail, He never does!
Hi Katie! You are such an inspiration to me. Believe me, I feel your pain (and your joy!) in parenting a strong-willed 2 year old. Your honesty and openness is so refreshing to read. Thank you so much for sharing with me! Love you, Anne
Katie, Katie…I realized I hadn’t checked in with you for a long time it seems. I was moved by your description of the day when “crazy” was your leash. Oh man can I relate to what you shared! Thank you for your well-wish for all the Mommies out there trying to trust God and parent out of an overflow of His love and help. I received it for myself
What would we do without the hope He gives…the mercy He extends…the grace with which He wakes us. I love you and miss you, friend!
I meant Katie Kate not Katie Katie. Don’t worry, I have not chosen a new nickname out of the blue : )