I’ll be honest, I thought it was over…the sadness, the pain of it. I was wrong. I assumed that the step of accepting her death would eradicate the sting of loss. There has been terrific resolve into a whole lot of arguing with the God who allowed this tragic ending. After a great deal of battle I watched my soul finally surrender itself to the Jesus of perfect love. I found that the experience of being loved completely by God is the only answer I will ever need this side of eternity as to “why.” I finally came to know my savior as my savior. So I thought, surely it won’t hurt so bad as February dawns upon us again. Not so….I was washed over with the all too familiar wave of grief. From the moment I turned the page on the calendar to what is supposedly the shortest month of the year (seriously?) I have been fighting the accumulating sadness.

The 22nd melted me through and through. It was the day we learned Anna went to be with the Lord. The 23rd was a little lighter. I had scheduled a little celebration in her honor, a “heaven on earth party” that gave me a reason to buy pink, eat chocolate and to say her name again and again and again. We opened gifts, books for the boys in Anna’s honor, some about love, some about Jesus. And then we watched 25 pink balloons fly into the sky, the symbol of our love lifted to her…the symbolic gesture of letting go. Three blue balloons were released as well…2 for Jacob and Caden…. Alicia, don’t we wish we could read about their adventures together. And one balloon for baby Samuel, a friend of the Ramsey’s. John created a perfect drawing for his big sister. He drew a vertical yellow line across the page which he reported was a beanstalk so Anna could be on the other side. He asked me to write something on his artwork…It reads, according to John John, “We love you Anna, We praise your Lord.” Appropriately, the giant was a big brown blob he called God who said in a much lower but happy voice, “praise the Lord Anna, praise the Lord.”

This morning John walked up to me buck naked with one of Anna’s pink birthday bows on his tummy and said, “open me mommy.” To which I thought…everyday John. Everyday you are a gift from Anna and her heavenly father to us!

And then today…

Today is the bitter sweet day we met our daughter 4 years ago. Three grueling days after we learned she had left us, we met her. And for eleven hours we embraced her.
As I looked through 11 rolls of film a couple of days ago I was reminded about the man I married and about the day he met her. The love and pride he felt for being her dad was so strong, it cut through the pain of death and allowed joy to be fixed to his face simply because she was his and she was beautiful. She made him a daddy, it’s that simple. I was also reminded of the love and faithfulness of each of you who waited in the waiting room and took turns coming to meet and kiss our Anna. Thank you for loving us and her still. To our families… an enormous thank you and our prayers to you as well as you continue to grieve and miss your grandaughter and neice. To our new friends in grief….I am so blessed that God has given me friends in Virginia that love Anna, whom they have never met, so much. What a gift our entire family of friends has been.

I have decided to write myself a letter to be opened on February 1, 2010, the month of Anna’s 5th birthday. In this letter I will remind myself that sadness and grief is not a backwards step, but a move forward in continuing life and love as a mother. I will try not to be so scared of the wave. The cross of Christ will forever be a sad reality. Of course the joy of salvation and the result of his willingness to die is the greatest news any of us could ever hear and adopt…but the cross…the pain…it’s just so sad. And so I will remind myself that God doesn’t expect for us to react to death and loss as if it weren’t sad…it just is. But truth, the power of the Holy Spirit to deliver peace and perspective and the hope of eternity can win our hearts into a new way of feeling. “Sorrow will last for a night but joy comes in the morning.”

My calendar may be a little different than yours. For me the day after Anna’s birthday feels like New Year’s Day. It is a day to start fresh, a day to live right, to be the mother, wife and person I want to be… that God created me to be. February 25th is a day where I ponder death and sadness and the therefore the triumphs of heaven. As this day comes to a close I am preparing to turn the page. I am ready to live…. With that sentence proclaimed, I can almost see and faintly hear the clapping and cheering of a 4 year old girl hoisted upon the shoulders of Jesus within my “great cloud of witnesses.”

And if I could extend a word or 2 to that lovely little girl, I would say… Thank you baby girl.

Anna gave me depth and she gave me Jesus, the awareness of his perfect and permanent presence in my life. Her death was followed by the gifts of two little brothers for whom I feel so blessed and grateful to nurture. Anna gave me the experience of sharing suffering with her father which may sound strange, but has been one of the most powerful and beautiful experiences of my life. Grieving and loving Anna has pushed me to want to overcome and to be a mother she can be so proud of…a woman who refuses to believe that crisis has a hold on me, but to endure and to persevere in the face of defeat.
She has given me a sense of life…a sense of calling and purpose. Her death placed within my grasp a cup of grief that I may drink with other sufferers. I have sipped from the bitter cup now countless times with friends and family who have lost and therefore feel lost.

Anna has given me eyes and eagerness for heaven. I can now so easily envision the beauty of paradise and the promises and privileges therein. Picturing Jesus with my daughter has reminded me to picture Jesus, the physicality of the risen messiah, present in my own life. Can you imagine with me for a moment the thought of the smiling eyes and the laughter of God as you simply exist. When I sip my coffee in the morning and watch my kids glued to the TV as I seek to “wake up” I am enamored with them, for no other reason than that they are alive and they are mine. God is enamored with me…with you…we are HIS! I cannot wait to be with Anna again. But truly, I cannot wait to be within the presence of the very one who made me empty and purposeless without himself to fill me…I cannot wait!

It is not even 8:00 am this morning and my eyes are already sore from tears….they are sweet tears…each drop expresses love. A love I know exists because God placed it there and will continue to supply so that I may shed them each moment of my life when they have been prepared to flow. Some have asked are you sad this year? Maybe a better question is do you love more this year? Strangely, the love grows bigger and bigger as my days draw closer and closer to our reunion. Today belongs to her. Today she has my full attention as I ponder the reality of heaven and dream about the grand possibilities of her eternal life. Tomorrow is my New Year’s Day…But for today, I ask each of you to join us in thinking about your loved ones gone. Imagine the unimaginable and let the truth of eternity and the power of being embedded with the gift of salvation seep into your hearts and make you want to live for that man…that day….

Anna Kelty…we love you baby girl…Happy 4th Birthday!!!