Burst or Blog?

Does anyone know if there has ever been a reported case of someone bursting from having too many strong emotions at once? Chris would probably argue that I feel this way on a daily basis. Yes, I have my fair share of emotions and conflicting ones at that. But tonight is unique. I just nursed Benny for the last time. It was sad. I can hardly believe that I nursed John until 13 months. During our last nursing/bonding moment tonight my head and heart were swimming with thoughts and feelings. Mama told me recently that she can still remember closing her eyes and taking in the last moment she nursed me…she knew it would be her last moment ever of nursing a baby. So I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took in what I know will be a moment I will relive 20 years from now. With the intensity of the moment I figure I have 2 options: Burst or Blog! Since you are reading this you can assume I chose the latter.

Life thoughts…

I’m having one of those life is moving so fast and it’s so sad…I mean so exciting… I mean so scary… I mean so amazing sort of moments. I opened my eyes this morning to see 2 huge blue eyes staring into my pupils…If you are thinking the words “big boy bed” you are right. We no longer have the 4 walls of the crib to keep John John’s energy bound until we’re ready to unleash him into the day…look out world- here comes JOHN! How did my little boy become a kid? He has stopped asking for Baby Einstein and Sesame Street and is on to Diego and Dora the Explorer, and walks around counting to 10 in Spanish. Move over Little People and Mr. Potato Head, we’re on to bigger and better things…adventures like pretending to be pirates and rescuing people…what? How did this happen? The other day he asked me to do something and he said, “Mommy say, ready… set… hit it!” Yep- he’s a kid!!! He also said, “Mommy, we say nursing, we don’t alk about boobies…okay mommy we don’t say boobies”, and he proceeded to say that word and how we shouldn’t say it over and over. Are you wondering why he even knows that word? I wish I could say he learned it from a neighbor kid but it has to do with exhaustion, getting elbowed, and a bad parenting choice…oops. I need to cherish every moment he still asks me to cuddle with him. The day is coming soon when that will no longer be cool!

My baby has become a toddler…2 teeth, crawling and pulling up all in the same week, whoa! He chuckles with pride at his new developments and is getting bigger by the second…and by bigger I mean he wore 24 month pajamas to bed last night! He’s a CHUNK!

I think about my mother-in law and how at one time in her life she was chasing 4 boys around the baseball field and now she is getting ready for us to come and she will be chasing after 2 grandsons. I was watching my mom hold Ben tonight and I was thinking, how can my mom be “Nellie” when she’s “mama”?….Oh wait I’m 29. I’m thinking about my sister-in-law Kelly and how she and Derek are expecting in February and it just doesn’t seem possible that they are at that stage in life…and yet they are because they are married and have a house and so on and so forth.

On Sunday night Chris preached a sermon…yes, a sermon at church. It was a big moment for me. I kept thinking “I’m sitting here listening to my husband talk about the importance, and the struggle of trusting God.” At one point he listed things that could have potentially been “trust busters” in his 28 years of living. At the end of his list he said, “And we have a daughter Anna that we never got to know…” to which I thought, “are we at that point, the point we used to ache for three years ago when we would say, “I just can’t wait to be several years down the road and beyond this pain.” I didn’t have to run out of the room in tears. Of course the tears surfaced, but quickly disappeared because life has moved on it has brought healing and new joys and new struggles. Sometimes I just feel like life has moved so fast these past 4 years that I have to rub my eyes to make sure I am seeing my surroundings and my life correctly…and I am.

As John was dancing and singing at bible school tonight and I was having a conversation with someone about pre-school- I just couldn’t believe that I am about to enter a whole new stage of life. I don’t want to be sad about what is behind or what I have lost with past stages but to be excited about what is ahead and ready to embark every new adventure with faith, with trust, with joy and with a “come on life… whatcha got” kind of an attitude.

Okay I feel much better now…the bursting sensation has subsided and I am left with one resounding emotional declaration…”I am Blessed!!!!”

I promise the next blog will be simple and fun….maybe????

Here area a couple of pics from VBS tonight. My camera battery only lasted for 2 pictures. I’ll charge it tonight and post more pics tomorrow. Can you tell that John is in the right hand corner of the picture and that he is wearing the exact same orange shirt? It was orange night ( every night of VBS has a different color) Chris and I aren’t big into dressing the kids the same, but it was orange night so we kind of had too:)

John is feeling very cool this week to be included in some of the big kid stuff at church and not just tossed into the nursery!!! He is the blond kid clapping and looking into the opposite direction from every other kid because John beats to his own drum!

Comments

Raegan says

July 15, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Oh, how bitter-sweet the passage of time! I love you friend, and I am glad that through the tests of time, trauma, and tranquility you are still my best friend!

April, Kevin, Amelia, and Tessa says

July 17, 2008 at 2:12 am

I don’t know that there has ever been a caswe of bursting from stong emotions but there is definitely an overly sensitive, emotional bug going around. Be comforted to know that you are not the only one, and you can call on any of the others of us at any time!

Karla says

September 5, 2008 at 3:53 am

You are drinking it in, friend. You are making the most of it and even sharing about it as you go. (and getting me all choked up as you do it : ) What a blessing to read your thoughts as you released Ben a little more and followed the stream of realizations that came afterward.
I was glad to learn this summer that another way to read “love never fails” is that it “never falls to the ground.” How encouraging to know, when the days are whizzing by, that all the love is adding up.