You can Help!

This post will be short.  I am nearly speechless. I am sitting here at my computer with tears streaming down my face- washed over in so much grief and yet so much love and hope all at once.  


Here’s why…

I just watched this video:


It is my extreme honor and privilege to be able to share this intimate portrait of my friend Raegan, her husband Mike, their precious, beautiful son Theo…and well, I will let the video do the rest.   

Please, dear friends and readers, we need your help to support this family. Please click the tabs on the right that will allow you to share this post to facebook and twitter.

I love you Raegi and I love you Theo….you have forever blessed and changed my life.

Old Truths for A New Year

A few nights ago I was laying with my youngest Elijah to coax him to sleep.  He was restless and a little afraid, lying on the pallet we made for him at the end of the guest bed in my mom and dad’s basement.  As I lay there I began processing, as I often do, about the ways the day went wrong, the ways in which I could have done it better, and I felt sick with regret.  I have always seen life in pictures, always been a visual learner, a dreamer and a visionary. And so as I lay there, stewing on failure, thinking about the ways I had let down the people I love most, I saw myself staring into a mirror with my reflection scornfully and shamefully staring back at me.  The image was a perfect and frightening reflection of the spirit of dismay and disdain I was inflicting upon myself.  I lay there tormented for a moment and then I heard myself pray, as if my spirit were lurching out for the help my mind was too berated to reach for…
“Lord what do You want me to see?”

Old Truths for A New Year

A few nights ago I was laying with my youngest Elijah to coax him to sleep.  He was restless and a little afraid, lying on the pallet we made for him at the end of the guest bed in my mom and dad’s basement.  As I lay there I began processing, as I often do, about the ways the day went wrong, the ways in which I could have done it better, and I felt sick with regret.  I have always seen life in pictures, always been a visual learner, a dreamer and a visionary. And so as I lay there, stewing on failure, thinking about the ways I had let down the people I love most, I saw myself staring into a mirror with my reflection scornfully and shamefully staring back at me.  The image was a perfect and frightening reflection of the spirit of dismay and disdain I was inflicting upon myself.  I lay there tormented for a moment and then I heard myself pray, as if my spirit were lurching out for the help my mind was too berated to reach for…

“Lord what do You want me to see?” 

Instantly I saw my reflection in the mirror once more, but this time, I was in the embrace of Jesus and He beamed as he looked at us, as He looked at me.  In this reflection there was nothing but the joy of ownership and the unconditional love of a father with His daughter. 

In my sin, my failure, my wishing and hoping and longing to do it right, to be better, to be perfect and hating myself for all the places where I fall short, Jesus is clutching me with delight.  As an answer to my prayer, “Lord what do you want me to see” He is calling me away from self-hatred and into the awareness of being the beloved of God.  My truest reflection at the most despicable and self loathing moments of my life will always be grace.

Why do I share this with you?

Every year I come up with a mental list of how I will achieve and become that Kate I have always longed to be…the one I can’t ever seem to reach, the one standing right past the mirage of perfection.  I come up with all the ways I will be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better home maker, a better employee, a better…and on and on and on.  And every year I look back with a sigh of shame.  And then I grab my gusto and resolve and pray to be and do better.  But twelve months and four seasons cycle through once more and I find myself standing on the border of December and January with the cold winds of remorse whipping through me once again.  As much as I achieve and accomplish, I always wish I had been more gracious, more loving, more tender, more nurturing, more passionate, more forgiving… 

But this year, this year hasto be different.  This year my eyes have been opened to two simple truths, truths I have always known, and yet their power has been locked behind the bars of self- righteousness.  Those truths are, I will never, ever be perfect and I will always, always be clutched in the arms of the One who is.

So this year my resolve, my to-do list is different than ever before.  Instead of seeking to become someone new and better, I am seeking to consciously be the Kate that already is, the one clutched in the arms of Jesus. The one who is already approved, already made new, already forgiven and loved.  I am seeking  to live out the only perfection that has ever been and will ever be. I am seeking to rest in the arms of the One who died and rose again to redeem me, to set me free from the perfection I can never attain apart from Jesus. At the very heart of being a Christian is the cross- the dying to self perfection and resurrection to the truth that Christ’s life, in and through me is the only perfection I will ever need. And yet, I keep striving, keep slapping myself silly at failure…all the while Jesus is holding me and enveloping me with His unmerited favor and perfect love. The grace of God is calling me to go deeper. It is calling me to surrender the idea that my worth and value are measured by my performance and to float in the grace that has already once and for all stamped me approved. 

Today as I awoke in these new thoughts and resolutions, another image came.  I saw my roots digging deep in the soil of grace and I tapped into this stream of glorious living water, the presence and power of God and the branches of my life began growing rapidly.  The truth here is, the growth I have always longed for, will in fact come as a result of resting and delving into the identity I already have as the beloved of God.

So, friends who make resolutions and hope to be better this year, I urge you to ask the question, what does my truest reflection look like? And I urge you to pray, “God show me what you want me to see.”

So here’s to 2014, that we would each grow deeper in His magnificent grace and therefore fuller in freedom, love and purpose than ever before.

    

Eager For The Tree

There is an energy and an excitement in our home that is unmatched to any other time of year…Christmas is coming.  Traveling and movies in the car, snacks all day, way too many Happy Meals and plastic trinkets, staying up late, grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins, 3D movies and of course, Christmas morning is coming. Presents are coming.  What could they be? 
The list keeps growing.  Every time we go to the store, new toys invigorate the senses and I hear, “Oh I want that for Christmas too.”  But the presents have already been bought.  All four of them for each kid and I fear, will Christmas disappoint?  The expectation of wildest dreams coming true and this wanting for anything you could ever imagine.  Why do my kids (our kids) posses this fascination, this deep down longing for having it all?   
Usually by the time I make it to Ben’s bed to tuck him in, he is already half asleep, clutching his blankey and sucking his bottom lip.  But last night was different.  He had gone to the store late with his dad and his imagination got stirred. By the time he was under the covers we had a full blown Christmas miracle wrapped in paper, tied with a bow and stamped with BEN.
“I’m just so excited!”
“Why is that Benny?”
“Don’t you remember…what I told you about when I got home?  The exciting thing for our family?”
I tried to jog my memory. What was it he was rambling on about as I was cleaning up and thinking about a million other things?
“Five whole Star Wars costumes. One for each of us with real weapons, like real ones we can actually fight with.  I can’t believe this.  Isn’t it exciting?”
Ben’s new Star Wars obsession somehow got married to Disney’s Fantastic Four family with a little sprinkling of magic Christmas dust and wha-la, He thinks on Christmas morning he is going to be opening a whole new world of becoming the Kelty family heroes.  How do I let him down?  How do I deflate this belief he has to “transform and conquer?” And who can I blame for escalating this little boys imagination for the impossible?
I was tired.  I didn’t know what to say and so I said, “Benny let’s talk about this tomorrow.”  I knew the truth in that moment would yield a disappointment my exhaustion couldn’t handle.
But five o’clock in the morning came and I awoke with sadness and a desperation to rein it all in.  To lasso my little boys who seem to be caught up in the current of American Christmas and to pull them back into reality.  Bring them back to the star, the stable, the baby, the king. I ponder, and then I realize, I’ve done just that, so intentionally this season.  We are reading God’s word.  We are hanging our Jesse tree ornaments.  We are talking constantly throughout the day about the coming Messiah, about Jesus birthday, about the true meaning.  We have been loving, serving and giving to others.  So what happened, where did it all go wrong? How did I fail them?
At that thought, another recent conversation with Ben comes to mind:
“Mom come quick. God’s promises are shooting straight through our front door.  Come quick mom, God’s promises are here.”
As I made my way to the front hallway, I found Ben sitting on the hardwood floor smiling at the rainbow of light reflecting off of the glass from our front door.  I watched as Ben tried to hold the rainbow in his hand, tried to scoop up the promises of God.
And then suddenly a new Christmas perspective was born.
I don’t want to condemn the wonder, the fascination for more and the eagerness for abundance in my children.  I don’t want to blame Target.  I don’t want to blame our society.  I want to thank God for breathing life into them and for their eagerness, for their God generated want, their God birthed longing to transform and the God initiated yearning they have for battle and conquer.
Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?  A God who transforms into a baby- a baby who transforms into a king. A carpenter who becomes a conquerer.  A story of good versus evil and death that ends in resurrection and a God who takes the souls of man and fills them with abundance, the kind of satisfaction that matches that little boy longing of wildest dreams coming true.  A God who can take an ordinary family and give them a new identity and weapons to fight with.  The truth is, we are in a war.  We are in a battle and I don’t want to squelch my son’s dream to transform and conquer.  I don’t want to rein him in.  I just want to tell him which way to run. 
The tree that counts is the one that is decorated with the blood of Jesus and adorned with His victory over sin and death and I can assure you that the promises of God are waiting there to be opened.  In my minds eye I can see myself sitting under the grace shade of that tree just as Ben did on our hallway floor, scooping up all the promises of God for me and for my boys.
On Christmas morning as they open their presents and squeal with delight, I will be opening salvation for them.  I will open hope and strength for them.  I will open Jesus and pray that their God given longings will one day be fulfilled by the sweet promises of God and that they will be men transformed by grace and equipped to fight and conquer.
Yes, we are eager for the tree.  Eager to open the gifts that have come through our front door.  Eager to behold and to become.

Eager For The Tree

There is an energy and an excitement in our home that is unmatched to any other time of year…Christmas is coming.  Traveling and movies in the car, snacks all day, way too many Happy Meals and plastic trinkets, staying up late, grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins, 3D movies and of course, Christmas morning is coming. Presents are coming.  What could they be?
The list keeps growing.  Every time we go to the store, new toys invigorate the senses and I hear, “Oh I want that for Christmas too.”  But the presents have already been bought.  All four of them for each kid and I fear, will Christmas disappoint?  The expectation of wildest dreams coming true and this wanting for anything you could ever imagine.  Why do my kids (our kids) posses this fascination, this deep down longing for having it all?    [Read more...]

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

It happened this morning as I stared at the tree, Anna’s pink ornaments peeking out from behind twinkling lights, glowing, inviting me into love and longing.  I was also thinking of the babies, new to heaven, their parents, new to grief and my heart got swept away in the familiar grief current.  He must have read my mind- seen the ache, my Anna look and Benny said-
“Don’t worry mommy. Anna is the first one in our family that gets to be with Jesus and that’s amazing!”
I stared at Him…long and hard.  The child becoming the teacher and I felt my weak heart surging suddenly with truth.
“Yes Benny- it’s amazing.”
His words entered my pain, diffusing the ache and inviting me to join Him in the truest reality.
It’s been nearly a decade since Anna Rose made me a mother.  Nearly a decade of pregnancy.  Nine months of carrying her in my womb and now, nine years of carrying her in my heart.  And in that regard, I suppose I will be pregnant with her forever. 
We are in a season of advent, a season of longing for the coming Messiah.  A season of intentional expectancy for Him. This feeling, this experience of longing for a baby…I know it full well.
And so today I am making the choice to funnel all of my longing, all of my desperation for a baby, and for that matter all of my longings in life into a longing for Jesus.   Isn’t that what all of our longing is really begging for anyway?  Isn’t all of our longing really just a soul cry for that which are hearts were created to be satisfied by- a desperation for the fullness we can only encounter on bended knee at the stable, at the cross, at the threshold of heaven?
So Ben is right- though my grief is expected and even necessary especially at times like these, I certainly don’t have to worry.  Anna is the first one in our family to get to be with Jesus.  There are so many days when the reality of her absence forces me into a ball, into a corner, into the dark.  But today, under the twinkling lights of Christmas, and the sweet prompting from my second boy, my gooey middle…I am reminded of the deepest longing I have.  The one I can’t even fully get in touch with, the longing that usurps all other longings.  And that is for you Jesus…
Fill my heart with expectation and celebration for you this season- wonderful baby, Savior, Shepherd, Father and King.
Yes…come thou long expected Jesus.

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

It happened this morning as I stared at the tree, Anna’s pink ornaments peeking out from behind twinkling lights, glowing, inviting me into love and longing.  I was also thinking of the babies, new to heaven, their parents, new to grief and my heart got swept away in the familiar grief current.  He must have read my mind- seen the ache, my Anna look and Benny said-
“Don’t worry mommy. Anna is the first one in our family that gets to be with Jesus and that’s amazing!”
I stared at Him…long and hard.  The child becoming the teacher and I felt my weak heart surging suddenly with truth.
“Yes Benny- it’s amazing.”
His words entered my pain, diffusing the ache and inviting me to join Him in the truest reality. [Read more...]

Thanksgiving When It Hurts

Still birth, miscarriage after years of infertility, the early delivery and then loss of triplets.  These are the emails I received this week of Thanksgiving.  My heart is shattered.  Who can put me back together again?
Then there were the phone calls of desperation, of broken marriages and broken dreams, suffocating pain and lingering ghosts.  So many hearts overloaded with sorrow.  So many lives severed by the little deaths we suffer as citizens of earth.
And I feel it all so thoroughly and deeply. Yes, I am shattered.  Who can put me back together again? [Read more...]

Thanksgiving When It Hurts

Still birth, miscarriage after years of infertility, the early delivery and then loss of triplets.  These are the emails I received this week of Thanksgiving.  My heart is shattered.  Who can put me back together again?
Then there were the phone calls of desperation, of broken marriages and broken dreams, suffocating pain and lingering ghosts.  So many hearts overloaded with sorrow.  So many lives severed by the little deaths we suffer as citizens of earth. 
And I feel it all so thoroughly and deeply. Yes, I am shattered.  Who can put me back together again?
I run for the cross.  I run to the only place I have ever found peace and power.  In a heap, in a ball at His feet I cry for them.  I weep for their wounds.  I ache with unrestrained emotion for these who reach out to me.  And as I bow with empathy here at the cross, I remember the path I had to travel to get here myself…
And I wonder…
Have you ever hurled anger at the sky?  Have you ever screamed insult and accusation into the heavens?  Do you wonder how a God so good could possibly allow your pain, your misery?
I ‘ve been there.  I’ve done that- this angry and honest hurling and wrestling- fighting through guilt, grief and gut-wrenching fury at God.  That was my path until I finally came to a wall, an end.  And that end was the beginning.
I stared up into the marred, blood streaked face of the man who took brutality and murder so that my story could become embedded in His. Pain for love.  Death for Resurrection. Hell for Heaven. 
  
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, But take heart because I have overcome the world!” John 16:33
Can you hear the compassion in Jesus’ words?  Can you hear His urgency and yet His certainty?  It’s an answer.  He wanted us to know that this world would be infested with trouble- the death of babies, infertility, abuse, cancer, broken relationships and sin. But “take heart” He proclaims.  Have courage, be comforted and confident. I HAVE OVERCOME!  I am the answer!  I am the resurrection and the life and whoever believes in me shall live! (John 11:25)

This is what I need as I kneel at the cross today.  This is what I need as I wade through the river of tears flowing from the hearts of the broken today. He has overcome and therefore life after death is available to the wounded, the grieving, the deceived, the angry,the ill, the lonely, the rejected, the miserable and despicable. Abundant life, even in the darkest night, is available to us all.  The death and resurrection of Jesus bought us that miracle and if you call on His name, it can happen to you again and again and again.  

Today as I ache with you who ache, I am taking heart and I am allowing truth to piece me back together and to give me the courage I need to forge ahead with the grace to grieve and the power to be made whole.  I am claiming the empathy and compassion of Jesus because of the cross…and I am claiming His power because the grave could not hold him down! 
On Thursday I will pause to give thanks.  My first words of gratitude will be offered to the God who allowed my baby to die, the God who has invited me into the depths of his heart to deliver me, change me, restore and redeem me. And I will say to Him- thank you for walking out of the tomb and for bringing me with you.  
Friends who come to the table hungry for that which food cannot satisfy, I pray you will feel and know the pursuit of Jesus on your soul today and that you will have the courage to make it to the foot of the cross, to the threshold of the peace and power your fragments long for.  May you be made whole today and have the courage to take heart and utter thanks…even when it hurts.